At first, spending time with him felt like guilty pleasure, even though there was nothing to feel guilty about. He came without the complications, and though I liked that about him, it confused the living crap out of me, because I was used to complicated men.
But with him, everything felt simple. Living life in the moment is the only way he seemed to know how to do it, and by association, I suddenly didn’t feel the need to complicate things. And trust me, I’m pretty fucking good at complicating things. Too many questions, never enough answers. Always creating problems that weren’t even there to begin with. But I couldn’t deny that I hadn’t felt this comfortable around another human being in years. It felt so natural to have his arm around me, or to sit with him and watch the game in the middle of the night, or to fall asleep by his side.
One night, I walked in to his living room to find he had fallen asleep on the couch. My heart melted. And when I woke him up and saw his sleepy smile, my Heart just did this weird belly flop thing……
What is this???? It feels like… feelings.
I had guarded these precious feelings of mine for so very long – keeping them hidden away from view, terrified of having them ripped to shreds again. But with him – the feelings just came bubbling up, and my Heart was thrilling in it, but my Brain was like ”How about NO.”
Brain is protective like that. Always saying, “I dont really care if he leaves… Im not that in to him anyway. I’ll just leave my options open. You know. Just in case”, when we all know she hopes the next man will be the last man.
But Brain didn’t stand a chance. My Heart danced when he laughed with me and kissed me on the forehead, and she stood mouth-agape in awe when he shocked me with his honesty. Everything felt like home with this man, and she actually dared to believe that he might like her.
It felt too good to be true, and I, true to form, was afraid to simply let go and experience it. So, while I enjoyed my time with him, I still listened to Brain and guarded naive little Heart, telling her that this wasn’t really real. “He’s going back home for 6 weeks soon anyway,” Brain said. “If he still wants to speak to me when he comes back maybe this might be worth considering.” Even though we’d spent quite a bit of time together, Brain was convinced he wouldn’t be keen on keeping in touch.
So the night he got on the plane he called me up to say goodbye, and laughed about the fact that I sounded like a sad puppy. “It’ll only be a few weeks,” he promised.
All I could think of was how I wanted to hug him for a long time, and tell him how much I had loved our time together. That he made me feel so comfortable, and so ridiculously happy, and that… well. there were… feelings. But instead, I said wish I’d seen him one more time before he left, but that I looked forward to speaking to him when he got back. To which he replied “Er… I’ll message you tomorrow, when I get home, or do you want me to leave you alone for 6 weeks?” I smiled and said no, of course not. (Heart tried to suppress a kind of mad giggle.)
And then he said something that changed everything.
“I love you.”
Brain was just standing there like “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” And Heart was just like… doing these cartwheel things around brain.
“I Love you too, babe.”
For once, it felt like heart and brain finally agreed on something (Brain, very much against it’s will), and it honestly felt like walking off a cliff with a huge, dumb-ass smile on your face. I had no idea what had just happened, but I knew that, in that moment, nothing could have made me happier than those 3 words.
In my mind, I backtracked on all the kisses, the smiles, the intimate moments that now, in the light of the L-Bomb, seemed completely different. They had been full of love, but I had been too afraid to allow myself to feel. I grinned like an idiot, all the way home.
“Where do we go from here?” Brain insisted on asking. (Heart had sprouted wings and flown off somewhere, not too sure when she plans to land.) “I don’t know, Brain. I honestly don’t know. But for the first time, in a long time, I’m going to shut up, and feel the love.”
I had spent far too much time living in the future (how I wish it could be), or in the past (how I wish it hadn’t been), never really experiencing the Now, and because of it it, I had almost missed something absolutely beautiful that was happening right in front of my eyes.
I promise not to let life pass me by. Yes, love hurt me before, but my past is just a story. And who knows what the future holds? Let it be revealed in time. I wont let it stop me from celebrating the beauty that is right here, right now.