The L Bomb

At first, spending time with him felt like guilty pleasure, even though there was nothing to feel guilty about. He came without the complications, and though I liked that about him, it confused the living crap out of me, because I was used to complicated men.

But with him, everything felt simple. Living life in the moment is the only way he seemed to know how to do it, and by association, I suddenly didn’t feel the need to complicate things. And trust me, I’m pretty fucking good at complicating things. Too many questions, never enough answers. Always creating problems that weren’t even there to begin with. But I couldn’t deny that I hadn’t felt this comfortable around another human being in years. It felt so natural to have his arm around me, or to sit with him and watch the game in the middle of the night, or to fall asleep by his side.

One night, I walked in to his living room to find he had fallen asleep on the couch. My heart melted. And when I woke him up and saw his sleepy smile, my Heart just did this weird belly flop thing……

What is this???? It feels like… feelings.

I had guarded these precious feelings of mine for so very long – keeping them hidden away from view, terrified of having them ripped to shreds again. But with him – the feelings just came bubbling up, and my Heart was thrilling in it, but my Brain was like ”How about NO.”

Brain is protective like that. Always saying, “I dont really care if he leaves… Im not that in to him anyway. I’ll just leave my options open. You know. Just in case”, when we all know she hopes the next man will be the last man.

But Brain didn’t stand a chance. My Heart danced when he laughed with me and kissed me on the forehead, and she stood mouth-agape in awe when he shocked me with his honesty. Everything felt like home with this man, and she actually dared to believe that he might like her.

It felt too good to be true, and I, true to form, was afraid to simply let go and experience it. So, while I enjoyed my time with him, I still listened to Brain and guarded naive little Heart, telling her that this wasn’t really real. “He’s going back home for 6 weeks soon anyway,” Brain said. “If he still wants to speak to me when he comes back maybe this might be worth considering.” Even though we’d spent quite a bit of time together, Brain was convinced he wouldn’t be keen on keeping in touch.

So the night he got on the plane he called me up to say goodbye, and laughed about the fact that I sounded like a sad puppy. “It’ll only be a few weeks,” he promised.

All I could think of was how I wanted to hug him for a long time, and tell him how much I had loved our time together. That he made me feel so comfortable, and so ridiculously happy, and that… well. there were… feelings. But instead, I said wish I’d seen him one more time before he left, but that I looked forward to speaking to him when he got back. To which he replied “Er… I’ll message you tomorrow, when I get home, or do you want me to leave you alone for 6 weeks?” I smiled and said no, of course not. (Heart tried to suppress a kind of mad giggle.)

And then he said something that changed everything.

“I love you.”

WHAT.

Brain was just standing there like “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” And Heart was just like… doing these cartwheel things around brain.

“I Love you too, babe.”

For once, it felt like heart and brain finally agreed on something (Brain, very much against it’s will), and it honestly felt like walking off a cliff with a huge, dumb-ass smile on your face. I had no idea what had just happened, but I knew that, in that moment, nothing could have made me happier than those 3 words.

In my mind, I backtracked on all the kisses, the smiles, the intimate moments that now, in the light of the L-Bomb, seemed completely different. They had been full of love, but I had been too afraid to allow myself to feel. I grinned like an idiot, all the way home.

“Where do we go from here?” Brain insisted on asking. (Heart had sprouted wings and flown off somewhere, not too sure when she plans to land.)  “I don’t know, Brain. I honestly don’t know. But for the first time, in a long time, I’m going to shut up, and feel the love.”

I had spent far too much time living in the future (how I wish it could be), or in the past (how I wish it hadn’t been), never really experiencing the Now, and because of it it, I had almost missed something absolutely beautiful that was happening right in front of my eyes.

I promise not to let life pass me by. Yes, love hurt me before, but my past is just a story. And who knows what the future holds? Let it be revealed in time. I wont let it stop me from celebrating the beauty that is right here, right now.

Pianowriter

I got inked, and I completely neglected to write about it.

So I turned 25 in October, and I got thinking about my life a little bit. Fucking quarter century, man. What have you done? I mean. What have you done???

I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life. Good, bad and ugly. Loved. Lost. Survived heart break. Made a baby.  Worked at a place I loved. Worked at a place I hated (with passion.) Worked 3 separate jobs a day, exhausted, yet loving it.  Dreamed of  being this, that, and the other.  Fallen madly in love with a profession one second, and fallen unceremoniously out of love with it the next.  Same with boys.  When I sat down and really thought about it, I realized how indecisive I had been all my life.  Always switching from one thing to the next. Never really knowing who I was. Willing to experiment. Sex. Drugs. Rock and Roll. New religions. Willing to make mistakes; to act now, and think later, regardless of consequences.

I was ever-changing. I was all over the place.

But one thing about me never changed. My love for music. It always twisted to fit the mood that I was in. Filled the awkward silences. Kept me company on lonley nights. It spoke, I listened. It influenced me.  Sometimes it broke me. Other times it built me. Music was beautiful to me in a way I still don’t fully understand, and it had saved my life more times than remember.

I come from a family of musicians. My grandmum was a music teacher, so ever since I was little, I would hear students come over and practice their exam peices. I knew them all by heart and would sing along to them.  I don’t remember the first time I played a piano; maybe because I’ve been doing it forever? What I mean is, I dont remember someone telling me what I should do. It was instinctive. I must have sat and fiddled about with it until I was able to play something I liked to hear. 

Growing up, a recurring question I had asked myself is “What are you good at?” Most of the time, the answer has been “Nothing.” I was a very negative kid, and I always thought I wasn’t good enough to ‘be cool’. I wasn’t good enough for that boy I like to like me back. But looking back, I was good  enough.  I had this talent, that could save me; that I could escape in to. I was musical. Why did I never see this for the super power that it really was? There’s a period in my life where music took a backseat because of all the other crap going on in my life, but it never left me.

I grew up, joined a band, and started playing piano. Initially I did it for the money. Evetually it became therapy. I’d wait for my gigs, just to get behind the keyboard and let my fingers ‘sing’. I was never that good at communicating with people, I’m very much a loner. I feel very vulnerable when I tell people how I feel about things, which is why playing an instrument was awesome for me. I felt like I could pour out all my emotion love, sadness, lust, anger, just… whatever I couldn’t tell another human being about, in to the song that I was playing. It was emotional release.

It took me 25 years to get my life together. To start thinking positive. To learn to appreciate what I have been given, and to open my eyes and see that I was actually given a pretty decent deal.  Music is just hardwired in to my system. Music is my heart. And after my birthday I went and got this done.  And I now wear my heart my sleeve.

1002522_10151921031657708_433175614_n (1)

The ‘Pianowriter’.

It just visually explains how I feel about playing the piano. You know how a typewriter takes what’s in your head or your heart, and converts those emotions in to words on paper? The typewriter is the middle man in this process. But for me, words are not my forte. I’m all emotions and thoughts. The piano is my middle man. And the end result? Music.

Sometimes I feel its the only way I can honestly express myself. Pour it all out to no one in particular, no vulnerability.

I’m not the most amazing pianist out there, I’m average, believe me. But the joy I get from playing? The satisfaction? Unbelievable.

I’m thankful for my ears with which I hear music, and thankful for my fingers with which I create it. 

Road Trip #1 – UNAWATUNA

When I was a kid, we used to travel up to Kurunegala very often, because my Grandmum lived there. My dad and his 2 brothers would pack up the families and go to visit, almost every weekend. We mostly traveled late on a friday night, and while my brother slept like a little demon in the other corner, I woud stay up and watch the moon and stars follow us through the window.

As we left the city, I remember seeing litte houses – painted in an odd color like a pale green or an obscure pink. As the car sped by, I would try to get a glimpse of what was going on inside. Typically, you would see the flash of a TV and a couch. A family sitting around, maybe. Or sometimes, high up, you’d see the single tube light of a house on a hill, surrounded by greenery. I always tried to imagine what life would be like, living in a place like that. Even as a little kid, I always wanted to see what life was like outside my little world.

And as per my last post, I hadn’t travelled in years, and the desire to do so was like an ache I couldnt escape. I made a Bucket List of place in Sri Lanka I wanted to see. Having a smoke on the balcony at work, I would dream of places I had only seen in pictures, and see myself there, living in the moment. And just a few months down the line, my desire manifested in my life, and I was able to cut Unawatuna off my Bucket List (Sri Lankan Edition).

We set off on saturday afternoon from Dehiwala and jumped on an AC bus to Aluthgama. I hadn’t been on a bus in years, and this was weirdly exciting. The bus emptied when we were half way there, and we had it to ourselves pretty much. Reaching Aluthgama, we stepped out in to the blistering sun and raided a Cargills for water and Coke. We slunk away to a small lane nearby to have a smoke, when i saw this odd little attempt at graffitti.

Image

It was as though some carefree teenagers had gotten bored during a paint job and decide to have a little fun. Maybe it was code for something. Maybe it was a multi-legged monster who walked up walls leaving white foot prints. Either way, it was pretty cool to look at.

Smoke fully inhaled, we left Aluthgama and landed in Galle and made our way to Una around 4pm. We stayed at this little place called Summer Garden, which had clean rooms with a decent loo, hot water and air conditioning, all for LKR 4500. Not bad at all. Plus they do a kick ass fried rice and devilled meat of your choice, and the portions are definitely above average. And the view from our rooms? Pretty fucking awesome.

Image

The beach was mostly gone at this time of year, but luckily for us, just a few meters down the road, there was a tiny strip of beach that you could walk on. This one girl who was with us decided around 2am that she wanted to wash her dreadlocks in salt water, and it was the best suggestion anyone made all night. Armed with a bottle of Black, shandy and a few glasses, we all trekked down to the beach.There was a party happening right next door, and resisiting the urge to crash it, we sat on a boat and got drunk. And then before I knew it – I was in the water, having my first ever midnight swim. The water was not as cold as I expected, and I dont even know how long we were in there for, but when we finally decided to come back in, I was buzzing. And it wasn’t just the Black.

We made our way back on to the balcony, and at this point there were only a few of us still standing. Everyone else had retired to bed. One by one the lights on the mainland were going out, as the parties were ending, and the restaurants were closing. There were two lounge chairs which we reclined on and gazed up at the sky. I could make out Orion twinkling in the distance, and I asked  one of the boys to turn out the lights on the balcony. And in that moment, the night sky blew my mind. There were a million stars blinking in the darkness, despite it having rained earlier on in the night. It was as though someone had taken a fist full of glitter and flung it in to the sky. It was so beautiful, and my eyes closed peacefully as I took in the wonder of it all.

Before I knew it, someone was waking my up. “Listen to this song! his voice is amazing!’ Opening my eyes reluctantly, I looked around to see a sea of empty glasses and bottles of alcohol and shandy, and a sleepy looking friend who had stayed up all night by my side, listening to music. I rolled over, to find myself staring at a pink-orange sky. The clouds were waking up just was we were doing the same.

Image

I was wide awake in seconds. 6 am. Pouring ourselves another drink, we sat and watched as a flock of white birds circled the shore. The boats that had been out fishing were coming in to shore, and we watched as seasoned old fishermen hauled each boat ashore.

‘Finish your drink!  Lets go back to the sea!’

And so we did. The two of us grabbed the one conscious person who decided to step out of his room, and headed down to our little strip of shore and ran in to the water. It was a beautiful aqua color and felt amazing against our skin. We smiled an waved at some foreigners who canoed rather close to us, and others who had  gone out diving earlier on in the AM, and were arriving back just then.

Image

We headed back to the room for a quick shower afterwards and walked to a little shop by the road for a typical Sri Lankan ‘kadey’ breakfast. We had the spiciest vegetable roti imaginable (No, seriously. I was convinced they had snuck some dynamite in there), salmon curry, dahl curry and coconut sambol, along with the most epic plain tea I had ever had the pleasure of tasting. On the way back, I met a lovable mutt whom I christened ‘Stoner’.

Image

After that it was back in to the sea for an hour, and gloriously sunburned, we emerged, dripping in salt water, unwilling, but resigned to leaving for Colombo again. The weekend seemed to short. Really. Where had the hours gone? Even with a bare minimum of maybe an hours sleep, the day STILL seemed too short.

The ride back home was more comfortable than I could have hoped for. We decided to travel on the highway, by bus, and we had reclining seats, air conditioning and a strangely hilarious sinhalese slap-stick comedy to keep us entertained if we felt that way inclined. It rained briefly on the trip back, and I was constantly looking out the window, once again, as I always do.

We passed rubber estates, in which it would have been lovely to have a picnic in the late afternoon sun. I saw little boys nimbly hopping across paddy fields without a care in the world, and wondered what that must feel like. I saw two old ladies dressed in “cheeththa redi’ walking down a gravel road alongside a field, chatting to each other about God-knows-what. I wondered how long they had been friends. How many years they had walked up and down the same road. How odd it must have seemed to them when the highway was being built.

Once again I found myself wondering what life was like outside my little world, away from the city that I call home; beyond my comfort zone. Once again I was picturing, what it would be like to live the simple life. I’m glad that I got to experience Unawatuna; an amazing first for me, where I stepped away from what I know, and stepped out in to what I had been dreaming of for ages.

This is definitely the first of many road trips to come. I want to see Adams Peak, or Jungle Beach (again, in Una) next, and I’m so excited to see the rest of this beautiful little island I call home. Until then I will continue to fantasize about hills and valleys, rivers and lakes… because “To those who can dream, there is no such place as far away.” 

Travel

“I’d rather own little and see the world, than own the world and see little of it.”

About a month or two ago, I watched a video a friend had posted of his journeys around the island with his friends, and ever since I watched it, all I’ve been able to do is fantasize about travelling.

And yes I want to see the world; South America. Rio. Thailand. Freaking NYC <3 But how much of it can I afford? And more importantly, befor I think of the world, how much of my own country have I not seen?

I’m blessed to call this amazing little island my home. We’ve even got a Wonder of the World, here. ( Which I also haven’t seen, btw. Go figure.) But I have seen so very little of it in my 25 years, that it’s actually embarassing. And so I got to thinking; ‘Where have I really been? ANYWHERE noteworthy?

INDIA

My one-time oversea experience.
I went to Indai when I was a kid, with my faily, to visit an uncle who was sick. I remember hotel rooms. I remember saree shopping. I remember a random church. I remember vegetarian food. That’s it. I wasn’t able to see anything life-changing or awe inspiring. India is amazing, and I can’t believe what a waste of a trip that was.

Definitely need to re-visit.

SINHARAJA RAIN FOREST

School trip. Sinharaja was absolutely beautiful, and the trek was pretty cool for me because I realied I had more endurance than I gave myself credit for. I had always been a roly-poly kid, and my teacher was worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the rest of the class. (which she told me about at the end of the trek.) But I surprised myself and my teacher (oh, ye of little faith) by being right at the front of the pack, with the guide, the entire time.

Oh, and I also taught myself to whistle that day. Win-win.

Do it again? Hell yes.

TRINCOMALEE

Ok so Trinco is my most favorite place I’ve ever been. We  stayed at the Air Force camp in China Bay, thanks to my Uncle who’s in the forces, and his apartment balcony directly overlooked a landing strip, with a dense forest a few meters beyond it and oceans on either side. THe sunsets were spectacular, and if my cousins and I were old enough to drink at that time, that balcony would’ve made the most epic drinking spot ever.

Got a glimpse of Marble Beach, visited Lovers Leap, the hot springs, and this awesome private beach on which a bunch of jellyfish had washed up the previous night. We spent an entire week just woaking up the sun and salt water, and leaving was always heartbreaking.

TOTES GOING AGAIN!

Other places around Sri Lanka I’ve been include the Dambulla Rock Temple (so zen!), Nuwareliya, the Minneriya Reserve (Thissamaharama) which was amazing, and Dondra Point – which was just awe-inspiring.

So that’s it. That’s a pretty short list. In 25 years of life – THIS IS ALL I’VE BLOODY SEEN. But that going to change. I dont know what it is inside me that just wants to go see what’s out there. I just want to believe that there is more to this life than what I see and do everyday. I want to know how other people live. I want to learn.  Be independant. I want to see new places, meet new people, make new memories, because at the end of the day, material things fade, but the memories remains.

So I’m making a list of places around the island that I want to visit.

1. Sigiriya

2. Yala

3. Arugambay

4. Unawatuna

5. Temple of the Tooth Relic, Kandy

6. Jaffna

7. Horton Plains

8. Adams Peak

9. Hot Air Ballooning (which isn’t really a place, but screw it.)

There are loads more places that I could visit here, and if you guys have any suggestions, fire away. I’d love your input on this thing. So let me leave you with this video, which will inspire the travelling crap out of you.

This Life

My computer is like my window to the world. I sit here for hours on end – staring through the window at things I wish I was doing, and places I wish I could be.

I want to pack a bag, leave, and go see things I haven’t seen before. I want to be brave enough to travel. I want to see the world. I want to experience the beautiful terrifying wonder of it all.

This song just does something to me, and i can’t explain it, but all I know is that it confirms the quiet whisper of my soul heard time and time again, that there really is more to this life.

There’s no such thing as ‘Coincidence’.

If there’s one thing Ive learned over the past year, coming to know a being who likes to communicate through books, songs, billboards, moments of clarity and even signs on the back of tuktuks – it’s that nothing is ever a conincidence.

Today happens to be Easter, and also my sons 4th birthday. Two years ago his dad and I parted ways on extrememly bad terms. It was pretty tragic. Almost as though I shot him in the heart and then blew my own brains out, in a fucked up fit of self destruction.

I’m over the fact that things between us ended, in fact, I think things are better this way. At least we don’t make each other crazy anymore. Bad crazy, I mean. But… I just cant get over the fact that for two years now, my son has been away from me. And most of all – it kills me that, for the two years after the break up – i have been more alone than ever.

It’s not cool, I know, to just come out and say “Yeah. it’s true. I DO feel alone. Much more than I let it show on the outside.” Makes you look like some kind of loser. But if I can’t even let myself acknowledge that fact, I don’t think I can ever get closer to being ok.

So I’m sitting alone at home on Easter, sipping some Lion Strong and I popped Wreck-it Ralph in the DVD player. Awesome cartoon. Defintely worth the re-watch, which is what I was about to do. But then I clicked on Bonus features, and happened upon this Gem.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xx5d23

I don’t know how, but this spoke to me, and made me feel… not so alone. It gave me hope.

I saw the paper planes as goood vibes, or fate – or destiny, or the Universe, just conspiring to give us our hearts desire. And when the male character (Im going to call him Jack, just coz.) kept throwing the paper planes across the street in desperation, they kept missing, and sometimes even getting the attention of the wrong people. And I could completely relate.

The manager was logic. Cold hard fact. Stick to what you know, kid. Do your job. THIS is what you are here to do. Maybe he was negativity; the one thing that could keep you from being happy, if you let it. And I LOVED that Jack made a break for it. Last ditch attampt to get the girl. He runs in to the street. But she’s gone.

I. CAN. RELATE.

Then he says screw it, you little paper planes never did me any good. He dies to it. Lets it go. And THEN… THEN, the magic happens.

The little paper planes take over, draw him to the place where he meets his sweetheart –  and the amazing thing is; all the while, he was unaware that the little paper plane, full of intention, was drawing his dream girl towards him, at that very moment.

O__O

The Universe Conspires!

And finally, they meet, sparks fly, and (I assume) they lived happily ever after.

I really needed to see this.

Maybe to whoever is reading this, it doesn’t seem like much. Just a silly short story. But I’m still rocking and reeling. How did I just stumble upon what exactly I needed to see, right at that moment? I needed hope, I needed an assurance, that lonliness wasn’t all that I had to look forward to in this life. I could have never anticpated finding it in an amazing little short story, tucked away in the bonus menu of Wreck-it Ralph.

THIS is the beauty of the universe; the wonder. I feel inspired, and hopeful. And there is no one on earth who could have said anything to make me feel this way.  Like I said, nothing is random. Conincidences don’t exist. There’s always a plan, a greater picture, that we could peice together, if only we opened our eyes a little, and saw beyond the ordinary – the mundane.

Have faith. Hope for something greater.

Life is beautiful.

New Work Place

I’m a Jill of many trades. I sing, I draw, I design. The singing is my part time pet project, the drawing – I do for kicks, and well, the designing thing – that’s what I do for a living. 

I used to work for a Social Media Marketing company as a content editor/graphic designer. Sounds pretty decent right? But what if all your creative freedom was taken away, to the point where you weren’t allowed to use any font other that Arial? …Might get a little bit frustrating, right? Well It wasn’t that I was just only allowed to one font, but what I was allowed to use was very limited and it drove me freaking cuckoo. ‘Ok fine’, I’d think to myself. ‘Maybe I can keep the same font and play around with the look and feel.’ Nope. They want it exactly the way they want it. So then, I grew in to this robot-like ‘doing-what-you’re-told’ work ethic, and then I was scrutinized for not doing anything new. Gah. 

I just couldn’t win.

It was getting pretty obvious that I needed to get back to doing what I loved. Which was designing. Like, proper designing. Researching new styles, trying new things. I missed it, you know? I missed being able to use my creativity without having to worry if the client, or even my boss, would ‘get it’. 

And luckily for me, just as I realized I couldn’t go on like this any longer, a door opened for me to work at a creative/marketing agency. It was heaven-sent, really. A couple of days ago I just started doing some work for them, and the freedom I have to do things to a certain style, just knowing that I could go crazy, and do something fresh – just that thought alone, makes the creative juices flow. I’m so happy I’m back in the game, and I can’t wait to do some amazing work at the new place. 

There are a few things, however, that I want to change when it comes to my work ethic. I used to be crazy-lazy, and when work came my way I’d grumble first, then make excuses, and finally get down to it. Maybe because the work I was assigned didn’t interest me that much, but regardless, in 2013, its going to be all about ‘Work first – Excuses later.’ (or never.) I guess this wouldn’t really be an issue when you’re loving what you’re meant be to doing. 

I’m so thankful, and blessed to be able to do what I love. And I promise myself that I won’t let me down this year. It’s going to be massive! I’m willing to commit my blood, sweat and tears into this job, but something tells me I won’t even have to. I have this awesome feeling, you know? Like… anything’s possible? It’s freaking amazing. (: 

2013, show me heaven. 

Dreamin’ (with her eyes wide open)

So here’s another song that didn’t quite make it to the recording studio. But the lyrics are pretty, I think.

The good news is – 3 of my songs are in production as we speak! *silent scream!* It’s always been a dream for me, and now it’s actually happening, and I couldn’t be more pleased. Do send me some good vibes though, guys, cz we were meant to record vocals this week, and i’m terribly sick. I went into the studio yesterday, but had to call it quits because my throat was so hoarse. They gave me till Sunday to get better, so I’m living on ‘Paavatta Thal Sookiri’  (aka miracle worker) until then. 

I’ll be posting homemade recordings of Dreamin and Your Love (which I posted earlier) on my SoundCloud, stay tuned for more on that – but until those are up, feel free to check out a few live recordings done with Elixir.

So here it is; Inspired by Maroon 5, Frank Ocean and  really bad day. 

Dreamin’ (with her eyes wide open)
 
She thinks in pictures, never black and white
They’re full of color always bold and bright
falling stars that shoot across the night
distant places full of rainbow lights
 
CHORUS
She’s just dreaming with her eyes wide open x 2
promising herself that someday maybe
her dreams just might come true.
 
She sketches diamonds on scraps of paper
and hope that someday she will shine like one
she parts the dark clouds in the depths of her mind
and now shes / walking in a constant patch of sunshine
 
this lucky girl travels the world, she has everything
born to chill, dressed to kill, wearing diamond rings
A fancy car, a handsome prince who sings and plays guitar
A happy home, never alone, a place to call her own
 
CHORUS
She’s just dreaming with her eyes wide open x 2
promising herself that someday maybe
her dreams just might come true.
 
BRIDGE
she’s just, shes just
dreamin, dreamin
with her, with her
eyes wide open
 
CHORUS
She’s just dreaming with her eyes wide open x 2
promising herself that someday maybe
her dreams just might come true.

2012 in Retorspect

This year, after the Roy/Tho which was in March or April, I stole borrowed one of the prefects wicker hat, (I have a thing for head gear) and took a picture. I still have it on Fb, the hat says 2012. And I remember thinking even then, that this year was going to be a big one. Now that its almost over, I have to say it’s been the best year of my life. Not in that it’s been the happiest and most amazing where all my wildest dreams came true – but it was the one where I started to desperately long for change and got it.

I’ve been a negative person all my life, mainly because I thought I had no other choice. I was ignorant of the fact that happiness come from within. This year, I learned that, and my whole world changed.

At the dawn of 2012 my life was all sex, drugs, rock and roll on the outside – tears, hopelessness and constant fear and depression on the inside. And 12 months down the road, I’ve completely quit the drugs, and totally lost the urge to smoke, and even drinking is like… meh.. do I have to? I don’t enjoy it any more. This is massive, for me, because I lived through the day just so I could have a drink at night. And every time I thought of quitting, I would say ‘maybe later’, because I was afraid I’d have no one to hang out with if I stopped the booze.My stance on sex has changed too, and I’ve learned to value intimacy. And most importantly, I learned that I need to be thankful for this body I’ve been blessed with and love it, and take proper care of it.

It’s mind blowing for me, because I could have never seen this coming. I couldn’t have anticipated that quitting things that I liked to do, breaking bad habits could just… happen. It’s amazing, and I owe it all to the love of the greatest dad ever. I met Jesus this year, in a way I had never experienced him before. As a christian, I always thought that because I lived the ‘party’ lifestyle I could never be close to God. But this year I learned that it doesn’t matter if you drink or do drugs or fornicate – God still loves you. But the beauty of it is – once you feel his love, that raw, undiluted, tangible love – you change. 

There are still things that need to change. As long as time exists we will constantly change and evolve for the better. And I believe, that 2013 could be the year that all my dreams come true, if I would just let it. I’m so excited for next year, which is a total first!   2012 has been good to me, and I will forever remember this year as the turning point in my life.

 

Your Love

I’ve recently taken up songwriting, which is a new and scary and awesome experience for me. Anyone who knows me knows that music is my world, and I don’t really know where I would be without it.  And while I  always wished I could write my own songs, I always told myself it was impossible. I just couldn’t work out the intricacies of it. But looking back I see that I was just over-thinking things. Once I allowed myself to take the plunge and write, things just flowed.

So, without further ado, here’s my very first composition. I just might post the crappy recording I made of it later on too. But until then, happy reading.

Your Love

End of the road
I turn around and wonder -
Where do I go from here

Fallen apart
Looking for a hero in the dark
then you come my way

When you are here, its crystal clear, its plain to see
Your love is real its not a fantasy

CHORUS

Your love is beautiful
You make me realize that you can love me
the way I’ve always wanted to
Your love, it heals – every part of me (yeah)
Your love is beautiful,
you put a smile back on my face.

You paint the stars in the sky
one by one
just to make me smile

You make the clouds up above
rain diamonds of love
in case i need a sign

Scars from the past etched in to my heart
they’re melting away at your sight
Broken trust, it turns to dust,
now i’m bathed in your light

CHORUS x 2

Your love is beautiful
You make me realize that you can love me
the way I’ve always wanted to
Your love, it heals – every part of me (yeah)
Your love is beautiful,
you put a smile back on my face.

Blog at WordPress.com.
The Esquire Theme.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 76 other followers